A Series of Left Turns :: Chapter 14
I’m really thinking of starting to title these things, but I’m not sure. It might be a little pointless more than half way in. Either way, I hope you enjoy this new chapter!
– ‘Did you ever find out why you were feeling that way last night?’
A text from Stan during the middle of breakfast. Cartman is sitting right next to me, but, that fact alone shouldn’t make texting Stan feel uncomfortable. Then again.. It is about him.
-‘Yeah. It was guilt. I couldn’t help but feel bad that while Cartman’s trying to grapple with the idea that his parents abandoned him, I was abandoning him too by going off and experimenting.’
This is only part of what my theory is. I do think that I feel guilty about doing that kinda stuff while Cartman’s in such a shitty situation. Definitely. But on top of that, he’s in the same house as me, and has a crush on me. He doesn’t need the idea of me being with Stan on his plate with everything else.
Cartman puts up the facade of just being irritated that we might be together, but it’s not just irritation. He did bring up the possibility of me bringing Stan over to do stuff with him so clearly it’s on his mind often if he’s thinking that in depth. It’s not like I would ever do that to Cartman even if I was with Stan, but…
It just feels so awful to think about. I mean… I’m clearly not ready to jump into a relationship. I couldn’t even kiss Stan back properly. To force myself through one just for the sake of it when I know there’s a pretty high chance that Cartman has a crush on me is incredibly insensitive.
– ‘That’s ridiculous Kyle. Just because he’s miserable doesn’t mean you have to be.’
– ‘I’m just explaining what that feeling was.’
– ‘Yeah but that feeling isn’t normal at all. You really need to stop hanging around him so much. It’s really not good for you.’
– ‘I wish you’d stop saying that.’
– ‘I wish you’d stop putting Cartman first. You really need to take care of yourself.’
Ugh. This is something I will never agree with Stan on. He’s so afraid of putting other people before himself. He treats it like it’s a crime. He treats it like people who put other people before them even momentarily will always put that person before themselves. And he treats those people like they won’t be able to recognize when they start getting taken advantage of.
What, because I’m being stressed out that means I’m being taken advantage of? I chose this. And I’m only stressed out because of how invested I am in Cartman. And his situation. It’s not like he’s directly or intentionally stressing me out.
I mean, he could be a little more cooperative, but Cartman is right in the sense that he didn’t ask for any of this.
I don’t get why he doesn’t want to cooperate though. I could help him.
– ‘The amount of care that you put into Cartman isn’t something he’s ever gonna give back to you, dude. He doesn’t deserve it.’
…
– ‘I disagree.’
I don’t elaborate on this. Stan asks me why I disagree, but I just say that I disagree.
I think back on when Cartman grabbed my wrist, when we were getting out of Buck’s car. That look in his eyes… He gave me that same look when he was talking me down as he aimed the gun at me.
That reserved, frustrated, but pleading expression.
There’s something there.
And I’m not just gonna give up on it.
yummykyman 